To My Lover, With Regardless Fidelity

The odds seem to be against us, my dear,
but despite them, I'm willing to indulge in this.
Lets just laugh at the vicissitudes
and humor the ideal of a manic romance.
We can converse about the weather
even though it doesn't matter;
because we don't exist here,
we're in our own world,
spoiled and ignorant, we have no cares.
Days from now we may say our goodbyes,
you may not return, we may even forget,
but lets not waste such a pleasant affair
on account of an unforseeable encumberance.
I'm going to revel in your regard,
delight in your sentiment,
and if you're so bold as to entertain my affection,
perhaps we can relish and enjoy this friendship
in hopes of someday becoming something more.

Liberate Me

Falling in love is all about the risk,
it's letting yourself go
and hoping someone will catch you.
I've learned there's no easy way down,
it's whole-hearted or not at all.
If you jump, you're liable to get hurt,
but if you don't, you'll always be wondering,
was that the one you'd been preparing for?
All I know is that I've never been more afraid
than I am today, toeing the edge, it's too far.
There are no safety nets or parachutes,
it's fall and die or leap and fly.
I only need to know if it's worth it.
I think you're worth it.
Close my eyes and feel the ground disappear,
the air rushing in but I can't breathe,
my heart's swimming in the pit of my stomach;
it's dreadfully exhilarating,
and I think I like it.

Creating Another Aversion

You came easily to me,
a gentle sigh
among exhausted screams;
how my lungs have ached;
I thought my voice
would leap from my throat
and my heart from my chest,
but I swallowed you down,
like medication;
I don't need any more pills,
going out of my mind,
and I'll take you with me
if I don't let go...
I must let go,
it's the best for you,
as though I know what's best;
I only know doubt,
anxiety is a serpeant
coiled around my soul,
breaking my spine,
suffocating my faith,
it only bites in the silence,
and your reluctance worries me,
so I start screaming again.

Flood

Exposed and vulnerable
I let the water beat down,
a pounding stampede in my brain,
little permeable pebbles
leaving red footprints on my brow.
I adjust the knob from hot to cold
and feel the burn turn to a sting.
They're both painful, my body aches;
I can't find a happy medium;
I can't find a happy anything.
My tears stream down my face,
lost in the rage, carried away.
Unable to catch my breath,
I'm overwhelmed by the force upon me,
it's holding me down
even though I'm still standing.
My heart is a fist in my chest,
thumping against my rib cage
with a relentless urgency
as though it's attempting to escape.
I leap backward
pressing myself against
the frigid surface of the shower wall,
shivering with an unexplainable fear
(fear I might live through this).
I let my head rest in my hands,
my legs crumble beneath me,
and the sobs echo against the tiles.
My voice is strangely real,
my agony finally breaking forth
and screaming to life.
The biting air creeps upon my moist skin
like a lewd intruder;
I am not safe here
in this crippled state,
a blubbering mess of a woman.
I wish I could kill her
but I feel her kicking inside
as I push myself off the floor
and thrust my head into the warmth
of another downpour.

Swimming Thoughts

Enticing
like a cool pool
on an afternoon in July,
I want to slip into you,
I want you to surround me
let me sink and hold me up;
let your touch stop the burn
and wash away my worries.
If I'm going to drown,
I only want to drown in your eyes,
lose my breath in your kiss,
choke on the laughter.
You're my sweet escape,
a soothing relief when the world's too loud.
I only wish you could stay here,
despite winter's coming,
but our vacation will soon be over.

A Warrior Repressed

I like the idea of being frightening,
enducing uncertainty,
a perilous seduction of the soul.
To fear is to love cautiously,
and while I wish I was fierce
I know I am only fragile.
I need a soothing presence
to stroke my anxieties
and remedy my aches.
On the surface I'm rigid
but the core of me is molten,
barely contained and never stable.
Still I strap on my armor,
intimidation is an easy mask
despite the exhausted marrow.
I'm pretending to have that spark,
that which I lack,
that which I found and admire in you.
You're my shield, my sword, my hope.

Provocative Danger

You don't know it yet,
but you are my personal savior,
my cure for the pain.
I'm making you the pennacle,
the axis mundi to my peace of mind.
It's a responsibility you will underestimate.
It will sneak up on you like a storm at sea.
There is nothing you can do,
I'm going down
and I'm taking you with me.
I will suffocate you
until you need me to breathe.
We will drown in my misery,
and neither one of us will grow old
because we're a love tragedy,
another Romeo and Juliet.
If you don't want to lose yourself with me,
steer away quickly,
before the heavy waves crash upon you
and the icy current drags you down.
I'm an incomprehensible danger,
a torrent soul
that will rage against you,
and fuel an intense urgency
to seek me with every last bit of life you can offer.
If you give yourself to me,
I will never leave you.