Bitter Sweet
Mine, is a temple
of stone, tarnished
with blood and tears,
its walls hiss, "more, more";
more punishment,
more destruction.
Tear me down with vengeance,
strip my lust-filled veins
pulsing with passion,
powered by blind hate,
and strike me down like a child.
Abused, I am ready
to make myself anything,
a sacrifice, a compromise,
a perfect ruin.
Do not worship me
for I am not a god
but a mere mortal
with a lying face.
Within, I am rotten
and you shall do me no more harm
than I have already done myself.
If you're willing, Love me,
otherwise, hate me relentlessly.
posted by Heather @ 11:45 PM
9 Comments:
Counseling sessions last 50 minutes, and I've realized it's hard to ever really know someone in that short of time. It's hard to pin point all of the genetics, the life experiences, and the personal traits that go into making someone who they are. So in attempt to make it easier for some to understand me, without going into too great of detail so that it becomes a pity party, I'm compiling some diagnosises of characteristics.
1) I suspect I'm typical of regression and acting out as means of defense mechanisms. When I face unacceptable thoughts or impulses, I revert back to earlier stages of development. For instance, one reccuring memory I have of my childhood is crying in a ball under my bed. Perhaps that is why now I have such a hard time crying in front of people and would rather cry in the bathroom or shower, some place private. I would also constantly think to myself that if I'd never been born then things would be better (i.e. my parents wouldn't have a constant reminder of their divorce if I weren't the bond to bind them). In accordance, I also perform extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings otherwise incapable of expressing. One of my ex boyfriends said it was pointless for me to cry when I was sad because it didn't do any good. After that I felt guilty if I were to cry, so I tried talking things out, but it's come to my attention that I'm bad at talking about how I feel or what I think. So after all of the frustration in trying to make others understand, I generally hurt myself and then out come those thoughts again of how if I weren't alive then these things wouldn't be happening to these people that I care about.
2) I'm positive I've got dysthymia and on top of that seasonal depression as well as premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I'm basically a depressed neurotic. Not only am I chronically depressed, as summer becomes fall and fall becomes winter I get even MORE depressed because the weather outside basically mirrors and reflects all that I feel on the inside, cold and gloom. Then every month, since I'm a woman, I get the wonderful additive of being depressed cause of my period. This is seriously the worst time of the month, the week before my menstrual cycle, because I will cry and get offended over the smallest things. I wish I could lock myself in my room for that week. I've had more breakups occur that time of the month than any other time, which in turn leads me into more depression.
3) To follow that up a little more specifically, I believe it's possible I could have any if not a comorbid amount of the following: self-defeating personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, and/or borderline personality disorder. I'm pretty sure the latter is more fitting. I've got a latent fear of abandonment. My relationships are generally very intense and end up unstable because of it. I'm always self-conscious about my body, my personality, everything. I'm impulsive in ALL aspects; sex, smoking, drinking, etc. I'm constantly resorting back to self-injury and contemplations of suicide. My emotions are off the wall. There will be long periods where I'm fine, then suddenly I come unglued. And while I'm a very emotional person, I often feel empty, as if there is actually a black hole inside of me.
On another note, I checked out some online phobias and wondered if I could claim these:
Enochlophobia--fear of crowds (I honestly feel like I'm suffocating when there are too many people)
Hypengyophobia--fear of responsibility (I like to have things planned out for me and only want to worry about myself)
Katagelophobia--fear of ridicule (when I get embarrassed I become hostile and childish)
Philophobia--fear of being in love (these days I feel as though I run from real relationships)
Soteriophobia--fear of dependence on others (I always feel like my mom has trained me to be dependent upon her, and I worry that I make the people I'm in relationships with feel as though I'm dependent on them)
Tocophobia--pregnancy or childbirth (this whole thing just scares me on many levels)
Tropophobia--moving or making changes (I do not handle change well at all. I like to stick with that which I'm familiar with. I'm a very nostalgic person)
After talking to my counselor today, I realized how much I hide things. I thought I made everything clear, but in reality, I only make circles around the truth. I've never been the type to be afraid of what anyone might think of me, but I'm afraid of being misunderstood. And because so often lately I feel like everything I do is misjudged, I just try to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. It came to my attention last semester that some people believe the things I say are merely over-dramatic attempts to gain attention. However, if you were to ever get to know me, you'd find that I actually want the opposite. Often times, when I'm threatening to hurt myself or worse, those are my attempts at being honest and allowing others in. These days I do my best to keep those things to myself. It's so much easier without everyone poking their nose in my business to just drown out and close myself off. Being disconnected allows me to get far enough away that I won't have to worry about hurting other people.
After last night/this morning, I've decided it's time for me to stop drinking. I'm getting so dangerously close to just permanently fucking up my life, and it's really starting to scare me. I'm becoming more and more out of control. I feel like I'm driving a car with no breaks into oncoming traffic. I wonder if anyone sees, and I just can't imagine how they could miss this train wreck of a life before them. Maybe they're just used to the cries of an insane woman. But just because there's never a wolf, doesn't mean the terror isn't real. I just wish I could bring someone into my world, or find someone who can pull me out. That is just impossible. These days I feel like I'm becoming more and more lost. I can't tell if I'm in love with my depression or if it really just won't let go. I just know I feel like I can never be with anyone fully because this thing inside of me will tear us both apart. I just want to push everyone away. It's safer for all of us. I'm beginning to worry that maybe I was right in believing myself to be a disease...it seems I'm infecting everyone. And the worst part is that I'm also like a drug, I fool them into believing I'm wonderful, but I really don't think I'm worth this kind of trouble. I think it'd be better if you'd never met me. No, I'm not interested in being your friend. No, I'm not looking for a savior. No, I don't need your pity. No, you can't change anything. Lets just cut our losses and leave this crime scene before my apathy somehow bleeds into your heart. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I'm running away to get away from you as well as myself.
I feel this intense impulse to run, run, run.
I don't know what is so threatening, perhaps just life itself,
but if that's the case, I don't know why I think running will make any difference.
Staying in this place simply continues to be about as beneficial as banging my head off a wall.
I thought I was self-conscious before, but I was just overly self-critical.
Now I've got people tearing down every part of me,
and it hurts the worst cause more often than not they're people I really care about.
I won't say I'm innocent and undeserving of my share of shit,
but friends don't tell friends how to be.
Friendship is supposed to be between people who like each other for being who they are.
Why would you try to be around someone you can't stand?
Very rarely these days do I find people who are as true to themselves as they are to the people around them.
So since so many people have issues with me, I think I'll just leave and go somewhere where I know I'll be aprreciated for who I am, what I do, and the friend that I try to be.
I can't decide what I'm supposed to do. I thought I'd just turn off, stop stressing over things because it could always be worse, and there's no point in taking life too seriously when it's only temporary. I thought it was working, but now it just feels like it's accumulated. About a month ago I was back to the point where I just wanted to drop out of school, become a stripper, buy an apartment, and disappear into the cracks of society. Then I met someone who for some reason pulled me back away from that. Maybe I just used him as an excuse to avoid a fate I really didn't want, or maybe it's cause I saw in him a sparkle of hope. I guess I was wrong. I'm always wrong. Now my roommate's leaving because she has her own stuff to deal with (I can't help her...I can't even help myself). I feel the farthest I've ever felt from my best friend because I've realized I can't make him happy without compromising myself. I don't talk to my family or my friends back home because I can't face things that I have no control over. Those things are out of my reach. I don't like to acknowledge that I'm disconnected even though I'm basically putting myself in this situation. I figure it's going to happen sooner or later. Honestly, I just don't care any more. I don't think I'm cut out to be a psychologist. It's interesting, but everyone coming to me with their lives and me holding all of it in is just exhausting. Not to mention I'm failing my personality pscyh class. Maybe I should leave too. Maybe I should just pick up everything and move away from this life. Obviously you can't run forever. It's just difficult for me to continue here knowing I'm surrounded by all the things that I'm wanting to escape. I'll stay though. I'll stay alive and I'll stay here because this is a challenge and I'm going to hold my breath and just plow through it. Fuck everyone and everything else.
I wish I could make everyone happy. I've always wanted that, always. I think so much about all the unhappy people that I myself become unhappy. I empathize to the point that their pain becomes my pain. I've lived a pretty good life, but I know a lot of people who have had it hard. And I wish I could change it all, wish I could put families back together, bring back the people that are lost, and save those who feel like they'll never be found. I want to fix it all. I want it so badly, but it'll never happen. This world will always have it's issues. They'll probably get worse before they ever get better, but at least finally I can say that I'm on the right path to at least doing something right.
I've hurt a lot of people in my life (especially recently) because someone somewhere has hurt me. That's unfair, and to all those whose hearts I've broken in any way, I'm sorry. I've learned now that you can't love anyone and expect anything back because true love expects nothing. Love is forgiving and unconditional--through good and bad it's always there. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."--1 Cornithians 13:4-7 But...love is not happiness. Love, not romantic love, is an important thing and vital to living a healthy life, but it is not happiness. Happiness does not stop with love. Happiness is within, without, and about everything. It's learning to LOVE life. It's about enjoying the little things, laughing at every opportune chance, dancing in the sun or the rain...it's about NOT focusing on the bad things. I wanted so badly to help others, but I've failed because I can't point them toward happiness cause I've never been there (fully). Just like I can't love someone else because I don't love myself or because I won't allow someone to love me...
This time I've got to let everyone else deal with their own lives, and I've got to deal with mine. I'm always here for anyone who needs somebody, but I'm drawing a line, putting up a wall, to preserve that happiness within me, that happiness that I've waited so many years to find and am just now realizing it's been there all along. I've just been too preoccupied with everything else that I couldn't see it.
I think a counteraction is inappropriate so I won't say how I feel, but I will say that I'm doing okay, which given the current situation seems wrong.
“can’t find it in music/can’t find it in my soul/can’t find it in chocolate/oh babe I can’t hide it/I can’t even find it in you”--Can't Cry These Tears by Garbage
I’m the type of person who blows everything out of proportion. I’m weak and dependent. For someone who’s now old enough to be tried as an adult, I still feel like that little girl who cried when her daddy made her learn how to tie her shoes. I don’t know when this happened. I was “normal” till I hit puberty then it’s like an atomic bomb went off, and I’m still standing in the white glare, wide-eyed and panicked. Every good moment seems short-lived. My life is made up of broken shiny pieces, but for every piece there is a wall of black matter surrounding it.
My life is perfect, but I never wanted perfect, I wanted happiness. Something I can never tell whether I’ve actually felt before or not. I think I was happy when I was young, and I think I’ve spent at least two solid years happy after that. But my happiness has become linked to people…particularly one person. I cling on so tightly as if for dear life, but it’s always me that ends up severing the chord. Careless.
To get back to my point, I think I’m better off alone. No, I don’t WANT to be alone, but as nuclear volatile as I am, I know I am the only one who can truly handle me…because I have to. Those people that I cling to, the ones I depend on, are fighters, strong, brave, and unrelenting. I’ve envied them, loved them, needed them. All I did for them was drag them down, a weight tied to their weakest nerve. I can’t allow myself to do that again. It’s too late now, but hopefully whoever said it was right “time will heal all pain”.
So I will go away and go on, reluctantly living my life and probably dying of something more acceptable to society; lung cancer, liver cancer, skin cancer. But I’ll try to do my best to keep in mind what I’ve had and what I’ve lost so that maybe one day I’ll learn from my mistakes and be able to change my behavior. After nearly six years…I’m still gonna try. And for the record, while I know everyone who’s heard about the incident has already made their opinions, what I did yesterday was entirely narcissistic. It wasn’t supposed to trivialize anything, I wouldn’t do that. It was a spontaneous and irrational act of insanity that I should have thought through and should have realized was not worth it. I offer up all of my apologies, but I know it’s too much to ask for forgiveness this time.
So I'm completely at a loss for words, mainly because I'm afraid to say anything about anything to anyone these days. I'm realizing how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship. I'm realizing how hard it is for ME to be in a relationship period. I'm the kind of girl who likes to get a phone call every day, but I've maybe gotten one all summer. Now I've got myspace fucking up my life again...the irony of the whole situation kills me. I'm the girlfriend...and I'm invisible. I don't know how else to say this, but I just want a sign that how I feel and what I think and the fact that I even exist matters. I thought everything was wonderful, but while the cat's away the mice will play...and what one doesn't know won't hurt the other, right?
1. nervous habits: biting my lip, pinching the skin on my upper arms, scratching my legs even to the point they bleed, and of course jirating my leg
2. I think four of the body's most overlooked disgusting smells are toe jam, belly button, plaque, and ear wax (yes I've smelled them lol)
3. I consider myself a good listener because I will always be silent, make eye contact, and all of that other stuff they teach you in school, but I rarely hear anything past the first sentence and space out til somewhere around the last word.
4. I spend most of every day in my head having full out debates and conversations with myself
5. I used to love scary movies, but in the past couple of years I've realized how real some of the gore is and how sick it is that people get amusement from it
6. I'm cynical, masochistic, and a hypocrite
7. I have sexual dreams sometimes, and I'm actually the guy
8. I'm a creature of habit, even in school I only get by through repetitious methods like memorizing and copying notes repetitively, but I can't remember anything after the moment is gone
9. some days I wish I were the only person around for miles and miles
10. sometimes I think I like knowing I have the ability to hurt people
11. when I like a guy, sometimes I'll still twirl my hair around my finger in attempt to appear cute and pensive
12. I actually don't think I hate myself as much as I try
13. I hate the feeling of my limbs falling asleep, but I love getting the hiccups
14. I've realized it's not that people don't love me, it's that I don't allow them to
15. I'm gullable and still try to believe there's good in everyone
16. all I want from life is to be happy. I don't care about success or money or living on the edge. I just want to be happy. to rip out this part of me that's constantly depressed, pessimistic, and hopeless. I feel like the only way I'll achieve that is with a lobotomy...
Post a Comment
<< Home