Bëautiful Silënt

Violence is Vulnerable

2009-02-08T23:34:00.005-06:00

A beast lives within me.
She is called Violence.
She wears a leather tourniquet
For her heart made of stone.
Brutal and calloused,
She eats the sun
Like an orange,
And dances in the darkness
That her soul leaves behind.

I hear her coming
With a banshee scream,
Beneath the noise of the world
Her footsteps sound of roaring flames.
I feel her burning
In a crowded room,
She thrashes about
And tears at the surface.

Her smile is a cut
With shards of glass within,
A bleeding wound of destruction
She bites and gnarls at her cage.

But when we're alone and you cradle me,
Gently in your arms,
Caressing my hair
Then sketching with your fingertips across my brow,
She is at peace
Like a domestic kitten
Docile and complacent
She purrs softly a grateful hum
For the warmth of your tender salvation.

To My Lover, With Regardless Fidelity

2008-11-21T20:04:00.002-06:00

The odds seem to be against us, my dear,
but despite them, I'm willing to indulge in this.
Lets just laugh at the vicissitudes
and humor the ideal of a manic romance.
We can converse about the weather
even though it doesn't matter;
because we don't exist here,
we're in our own world,
spoiled and ignorant, we have no cares.
Days from now we may say our goodbyes,
you may not return, we may even forget,
but lets not waste such a pleasant affair
on account of an unforseeable encumberance.
I'm going to revel in your regard,
delight in your sentiment,
and if you're so bold as to entertain my affection,
perhaps we can relish and enjoy this friendship
in hopes of someday becoming something more.

Liberate Me

2008-11-21T19:37:00.005-06:00

Falling in love is all about the risk,
it's letting yourself go
and hoping someone will catch you.
I've learned there's no easy way down,
it's whole-hearted or not at all.
If you jump, you're liable to get hurt,
but if you don't, you'll always be wondering,
was that the one you'd been preparing for?
All I know is that I've never been more afraid
than I am today, toeing the edge, it's too far.
There are no safety nets or parachutes,
it's fall and die or leap and fly.
I only need to know if it's worth it.
I think you're worth it.
Close my eyes and feel the ground disappear,
the air rushing in but I can't breathe,
my heart's swimming in the pit of my stomach;
it's dreadfully exhilarating,
and I think I like it.

Creating Another Aversion

2008-11-21T02:54:00.002-06:00

You came easily to me,
a gentle sigh
among exhausted screams;
how my lungs have ached;
I thought my voice
would leap from my throat
and my heart from my chest,
but I swallowed you down,
like medication;
I don't need any more pills,
going out of my mind,
and I'll take you with me
if I don't let go...
I must let go,
it's the best for you,
as though I know what's best;
I only know doubt,
anxiety is a serpeant
coiled around my soul,
breaking my spine,
suffocating my faith,
it only bites in the silence,
and your reluctance worries me,
so I start screaming again.

Flood

2008-11-20T05:37:00.003-06:00

Exposed and vulnerable
I let the water beat down,
a pounding stampede in my brain,
little permeable pebbles
leaving red footprints on my brow.
I adjust the knob from hot to cold
and feel the burn turn to a sting.
They're both painful, my body aches;
I can't find a happy medium;
I can't find a happy anything.
My tears stream down my face,
lost in the rage, carried away.
Unable to catch my breath,
I'm overwhelmed by the force upon me,
it's holding me down
even though I'm still standing.
My heart is a fist in my chest,
thumping against my rib cage
with a relentless urgency
as though it's attempting to escape.
I leap backward
pressing myself against
the frigid surface of the shower wall,
shivering with an unexplainable fear
(fear I might live through this).
I let my head rest in my hands,
my legs crumble beneath me,
and the sobs echo against the tiles.
My voice is strangely real,
my agony finally breaking forth
and screaming to life.
The biting air creeps upon my moist skin
like a lewd intruder;
I am not safe here
in this crippled state,
a blubbering mess of a woman.
I wish I could kill her
but I feel her kicking inside
as I push myself off the floor
and thrust my head into the warmth
of another downpour.

Swimming Thoughts

2008-11-20T05:05:00.003-06:00

Enticing
like a cool pool
on an afternoon in July,
I want to slip into you,
I want you to surround me
let me sink and hold me up;
let your touch stop the burn
and wash away my worries.
If I'm going to drown,
I only want to drown in your eyes,
lose my breath in your kiss,
choke on the laughter.
You're my sweet escape,
a soothing relief when the world's too loud.
I only wish you could stay here,
despite winter's coming,
but our vacation will soon be over.

A Warrior Repressed

2008-11-20T04:32:00.007-06:00

I like the idea of being frightening,
enducing uncertainty,
a perilous seduction of the soul.
To fear is to love cautiously,
and while I wish I was fierce
I know I am only fragile.
I need a soothing presence
to stroke my anxieties
and remedy my aches.
On the surface I'm rigid
but the core of me is molten,
barely contained and never stable.
Still I strap on my armor,
intimidation is an easy mask
despite the exhausted marrow.
I'm pretending to have that spark,
that which I lack,
that which I found and admire in you.
You're my shield, my sword, my hope.

Provocative Danger

2008-11-20T03:18:00.004-06:00

You don't know it yet,
but you are my personal savior,
my cure for the pain.
I'm making you the pennacle,
the axis mundi to my peace of mind.
It's a responsibility you will underestimate.
It will sneak up on you like a storm at sea.
There is nothing you can do,
I'm going down
and I'm taking you with me.
I will suffocate you
until you need me to breathe.
We will drown in my misery,
and neither one of us will grow old
because we're a love tragedy,
another Romeo and Juliet.
If you don't want to lose yourself with me,
steer away quickly,
before the heavy waves crash upon you
and the icy current drags you down.
I'm an incomprehensible danger,
a torrent soul
that will rage against you,
and fuel an intense urgency
to seek me with every last bit of life you can offer.
If you give yourself to me,
I will never leave you.

Bitter Sweet

2008-10-25T23:45:00.003-05:00

Mine, is a temple
of stone, tarnished
with blood and tears,
its walls hiss, "more, more";
more punishment,
more destruction.
Tear me down with vengeance,
strip my lust-filled veins
pulsing with passion,
powered by blind hate,
and strike me down like a child.
Abused, I am ready
to make myself anything,
a sacrifice, a compromise,
a perfect ruin.
Do not worship me
for I am not a god
but a mere mortal
with a lying face.
Within, I am rotten
and you shall do me no more harm
than I have already done myself.

If you're willing, Love me,
otherwise, hate me relentlessly.

Apathy

2008-10-21T14:25:00.002-05:00

I didn't bother going to class today,
instead I spent the day in bed
watching shadows on the ceiling
of the people outisde carrying on with their lvies.
The clock ticks, and I realize,
I have no concept of time;
today is yesterday becoming tomorrow,
every day is never ending,
it just goes on.
That's what I hate most about the world,
there's no pause button,
but if I sleep away today
it's like it never happened.
I look in the mirror and think
what a waste;
so full of promise,
but promising nothing.
I'm not dead but I'm decaying,
and it's only a shame I'm still beautiful.

My Morbid Fantasy

2008-10-20T11:27:00.006-05:00

the dorm was empty,
I'd gotten back early,
as I walked down the hall
I smelled something rotting,
spoiled meat or milk or some other garbage
then I wondered and worried
if it was death I was smelling.
I'd spent the whole day alone,
how foolish I'd been
for not using my time wisely
for allowing this opportunity to come and go
without even an attempt,
it made me sick to imagine
my morbid fantasy
as someone else's reality.
Jealousy is all that keeps me from sanity.

Too Tired for Sunshine

2008-10-01T15:01:00.005-05:00

my eye sockets lick the pavement
cleaning the way for another trampling
teardrops fall upon the bricks
I'm too tired for sunshine
my muscles ache beneath its beating
my soul carries the weight of another dead body
wrapped in black like a garbage bag
slinging side to side
no one sees its bleeding
the funeral procession parading before them
fingertips reaking of tobacco smoke
it reminds me of kisses on a night in june
I drowned in the starlight
drunk on the milky way
I'd never want to be sober again
because I'd have to hang over you
words thumping in my craziness
peeling away the slivers of my el corazon
too tired for laughter
my lips are sealed in your abundance
silent for your satisfaction
tickle your fancy
get pleasure in my pain
given the power one will commit crimes
and never have to pay for them
less he has a soul to burn for it

Sadness Festering Madness

2008-09-15T02:34:00.007-05:00

That person in the mirror,
Who does she think she is?
I see her smile,
And I hate her,
Because I know she's broken
(Unfixable).
She is the worst form of evil I know
Because her brokenness
Breaks others;
She breaks everything,
So destructive.
I want to destroy her.
She is a lie, a poison, a disease.
She is
me.

Calypso

2008-09-02T18:38:00.010-05:00

I am Calypso,
I am Aphrodite,
if you stay with me
I will give you love
and comfort, an immortal soul,
but you will lose your freedom, your life,
and the past you call home.
I will be your captor,
your provider,
but you've stolen my heart,
my vice, the ball and chain.
You hold the key to our escape,
but you must choose your fate wisely,
and trust that I will free you,
and remember a woman scorned
will be a scar you must bare forever.

A Lot Like Love

2008-08-29T21:07:00.004-05:00

Our existing is ethereal,
I devour the moments with my soul,
the good, and even the insanely awful,
everything I have of you is beautiful.
Your knowledge moves me,
you open my eyes every day,
sometimes prying the lids
as I fight you away,
but even still
I am greatful.
I know you, but I still have so much to learn.
I don't mean to interigate or defile,
I just wish to experience all that is you.
I touch the surface of your skin,
and I try my best to go deeper,
digging through the words you say
hoping to find the bones that you're hiding.
I want all of you,
but I'll take any little bit you can offer.
As long as you're by my side,
I know I'm whole.

Emergency

2008-08-21T14:23:00.004-05:00

After being in darkness for so long,
light is blinding, painful, shocking,
it takes time to adjust to the change,
at first you recoil and try to block it out,
then gradually you open up to it,
seeing things that had always been there,
but seeing them for the first time,
a warm, exciting notion,
until the light goes out again.
What you do in that moment makes all the difference,
do you mourn in bitter contempt
for that which you've lost,
or wait, patiently, anticipating the moment
when you will find it all over again.

Drive

2008-08-21T13:49:00.003-05:00

Windows down
fingers breeze through my hair
alone on the open road
the dashes and lines
and the trees pass me by
held in mid-air
the momentum carries me forward
my hands on the wheel
my foot on the pedal
the hum and the buzz in my ears
the sun on my face
the radio off
singing the thoughts of the day gone by
my secret escape
from the world around me
Where am I going?
And where have I been?

Smoked Out

2008-08-19T21:19:00.005-05:00

The neighbor's mowing his lawn,
and your roomates are downstairs
watching television, while we're here
making love, there are no candles
only cigarettes, the smell of roses and ash,
clouding my mind
while the august heat burns my face,
I give myself to you as a sacrifice,
a peace offering that I know you don't deserve,
I just want things fixed,
but nothing is permanent with you,
you're gone faster than the smoke I'm inhaling,
but leaving behind as much damage.

Trailer Trash

2008-08-16T15:54:00.005-05:00

Cartoon characters on my steering wheel,
dice on my rearview mirror,
I singe the end of a menthol light,
sucking in and breathing out on the same puff,
it balances loosely between my index and middle fingers,
aside a plastic butterfly ring from a vendor,
it must look silly hanging out the window of my '97 Cutlass,
with "Knockin On Heaven's Door" blaring from the radio,
I'm everything I never wanted but always would be,
driving down a road I've taken many times before,
ending up in the arms of a love that died some time ago,
I am fighting classification even from myself,
not wanting to be defined by a line, a look, or any moment.

Living for the Moment

2008-08-16T15:51:00.003-05:00

We want easy answers,
easy love, an easy life,
and an easy out.
We are a generation
of lazy desperation,
impatiently anticipating
a future that will never exist
because we're too busy living
for the present, day by day,
thrill by thrill,
nothing is left to the imagination,
we are cursed by what we have
and what we have never gone without,
we are spoiled rotten,
damned and wasted,
and for this I am disheartened.

Grave Digger

2008-07-26T14:25:00.003-05:00

Dig up old graves
just to make new ones,
piling body upon body;
I recognize the faces
but don't feel anything,
numbed by all the years of goodbyes.
Pack them in tight,
family, friends, lovers.
No need for headstones,
their names are engraved in my skin.
Burying them I know,
they'll always be haunting my memories.

Missing You, a Ritual

2008-06-27T08:11:00.004-05:00

waking up to empty pizza boxes
and styrofoam cups piled on the table,
it smells of marlboros and amaretto,
through the dull haze of sleep and smoke,
still hanging in the air from last night's shindig,
I see someone thrown facedown on the bed
and two more wrapped around each other on the sofa.
I peel myself from the love seat,
where I slept without all the love,
merely left with the taste of margarita vomit
and a nasty hangover
that threatens to beat me black and blue,
I light another cigarette
and pour the remaining contents of alcohol down the drain
before taking out the garbage
where the world seems greener,
the air is much crisper,
cool and fluid around my movements,
I let out a puff of smoke, a gray cloud of reality
that reminds me how much better it'd be if you were here.

Cadaver

2008-06-24T09:27:00.007-05:00

dancing on the edge
of a razor blade,
let me give you a show
another twirl,
tiptoeing the cold
metal plate,
a river diverges
in the snow,
soft and pale
the warmth seeps
away, my fingers,
meaty icicles
numb to the touch,
I lay my arms out
and balance
on the penacle
of a disaster
that you
will not allow me.

Beautiful Garbage

2008-06-12T12:46:00.004-05:00

133 pounds of baggage
makes me the most beautiful garbage.

In the end we're all disposable...

75% water down the drain
206 bones that go to the dog
750 muscles rotted with maggots
and 110,000 strands of hair turned to dust.

Decomposition starts early.

Skin sags, bones become brittle,
muscles ache, and color fades,
but I am always the most beautiful garbage;
with my scars and burns,
stretch marks and pimples,
big hips and humble breasts,
I am a fury of splendor!
a lover, a heartbreaker,
a friend, a relative,
I speak poetry and write truths,
I can cry and laugh
and dance and sing,
I feel pain and pleasure,
I have fought and struggled,

and, in the end, I'm rotten just the same,
but I'm always the most beautiful garbage.

No Regrets

2008-05-27T10:24:00.006-05:00

There are a million things in the world to complain about
but aren't there also a million things to be thankful for,
so why waste time and energy crying and screaming
when it feels so much better to laugh and smile,
because the fact about life is that it gets the better of us,
you will die and everyone you've ever loved will die as well,
so learn to live to spite life by fearing nothing
and by allowing no room for regrets,
say all the things you need to say,
walk on the edge rather than playing it safe,
love your lovers with your whole heart,
and be the person you want to be,
because you may only get one chance to really live
and a well-lived life has no unhappy endings .

Depression

2008-04-03T10:05:00.004-05:00

It's one of those hopeless days
where I wake up
wanting the best
but knowing in the end
there will be a void
that won't be filled.
Less and less is said--
a slow disconnect--
I can't feel anything
but teardrops;
it's raining,
my lonesome sorrow
stretches for miles,
silent expectency
awaiting disappointment,
a self-fulfilled prophecy.
I needn't roll out of bed,
it's all in my head,
the scenes play out
and I lose sleep
over nothing and everything
all at once.

What is love?

2008-02-09T12:03:00.000-06:00

Waking up from darkness
to the soft cream light of a new day
filtering through the blinds
that hid your dreams from the world;
you’re not alone;
warmed in the security of blankets
and two strong arms
laced around your waist,
the sunlight paints the color
of his face into reality
and you can’t taste the bitterness any longer;
it’s just sweet, sweet surrender,
no more struggling to stand
because you can fly,
the weight of the world melts away,
you’re reassured you can make it
solely because you exist
and someone is thankful for it.

Lover

2008-02-02T14:41:00.000-06:00

It's a euphoric feeling
being in love,
if it were a color
it would be a brilliant red.
It goes straight to my head,
slowly rising like a bubble of air
from my feet,
to my knees,
to my stomach,
to my lungs,
to my brain.
My hands start shaking
and my heart races faster
then slower and slower
a calm like a warm wave of silk
My ears won't stop ringing
the world is still,
silent buzzing is all I hear
like voices under water.
Everything is glazed
in a halo of white light.
It feels so good to feel nothing
to fall asleep in the arms of the only one who cares.